All Hail Tzar Putin!

Good morning my fellow Russian patriots! I am Mikhail, a news reporter for the Moscow Times, and will be bringing you very important news. President Putin has been crowned as the new Tzar of Russia by Russian Orthodox Patriarch Kirill in St. Basil’s Cathedral, Moscow. As a loyal supporter of Putin, I am overjoyed to have been at such a monumental occasion. Thousands of people lined the streets of Moscow, just to see a glimpse of our permanent leader, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. Military police armed with AK-47s and a tank arrived at the scene to protect Putin from any undesirables. One such group of undesirables came to the ceremony to protest all the terrible crimes that they think Putin has committed. However, the military police at the scene arrested these troublemakers and sent them to jail for processing and punishment. I remember one such group that violated the ears of many russians. I can not say their real name as it would offend everyone, so I shall just call these offenders, Cat Riot. Now back to the event. Putin came out of his presidential T-34 Tank riding a horse shirtless. Hordes of female Putin followers passed out at the sight. Next out of the tank was Putin’s mistress, Alina Kabaeva, in all of her Russian beauty.

All of the news reporters, myself included, camera crews, armed guards, and Putin himself entered the cathedral at 12:00 noon, Russian Standard Time. Along with the people watching the crowning of Tzar Putin, there were also the representatives of the Russian patriots fighting against the evil Ukrainian government. These “independently funded” freedom-fighters are fighting to bring the eastern half of Ukraine back to Mother Russia! Back at the ceremony Putin dismounted from his horse and put on the ceremonial Tzar robes, worn by the great Tzar Nicholas II, who was a benevolent ruler and executed by a horde of communists. Patriarch Kirill placed the Imperial Crown of Russia upon Putin’s head and proclaimed his rule by the will of God. Mistress Alina was then proclaimed the Tsarina of Russia by Kirill. All the people in St. Basil’s Cathedral cheered with joy. Putin and Alina then made their way back to the presidential tank and to the Imperial Palace. It was truly a great day for Russia and therefore the world!

Now nothing can stop the great Tzar Putin! Not the E.U, not the U.N and not even the U.S! And what about sanctions? Here in Russia there is no effect to these sanctions that we, the Russian people, can’t handle. And the price of oil dropping will not affect us either, we will make our own fuel source out of vodka and and borscht. After we control Ukraine, all of the slavic nations will bend a knee to Putin. Poland, Serbia, Slovenia, Bulgaria, and the rest will be under the control of Russia. Soon, Russia will control all of Europe and regain its once proud honor. This has been Mikhail with the Moscow Times! Thank you for reading this, you loyal Russian patriots!