2018 Dodgeball Power Rankings

The Oratory Prep Dodgeball Tournament Power Ranking. A torch I am proud to carry. The tournament is always heated and one of the most talked about events of the year, and it returns next week on Tuesday, October 9th. To quote a former dodgeball power ranker, Jack Munro, “I would just like to remind everyone that this is purely opinion based (although I think it’s accurate) and that you should feel free to make your own rankings if you disagree.” As always, dodgeball is the most looked forward to Spirit Week event this year. Boy, do we have some contenders this year. With a lot of dominant senior teams from last year having graduated, this year allows new teams to carve out their place in OP history. But remember, anything can happen at The Tournament™ this year. Without further ado, the 2018 Dodgeball Power Rankings.

21. Average Joes

A relatively unknown freshman team(?) (yes, so unknown I’m not exactly sure what grade they’re in, especially because they didn’t write it on their form) that does not seem to have any stand out powerhouses. They are a 7 man team, which works as a double edged sword: their team, as the only 7 man team, will be supplemented with student council members. Their full team’s skill level is hard to gauge, as we don’t have their full roster, and they may not have the chemistry. On the other hand, they may end up with some all star SC members. These guys should pray they end up with an absolute Student Council beefcake like Peter Ainsworth. These guys are a wildcard.

20. Squanto’s Pringles

I think this all 7th grade team will surprise. I don’t think they’ll be taking home to championship, but I believe they can take their first round through sheer numbers against the Joes. I know Nick Yarad, and I have seen him practicing his dodgeball throw on random cars passing by our street since before he even applied to Oratory, no lie. These guys may not have it in them to win this year, but I can’t wait to see how they progress over the next 6 years.

19. Seebode’s Constellations

Yet another dark horse, an up and coming underclassman squad. What gets them the spot over the Joes is a mix of three factors: they’re a 14 man team, they have a Pasnik, which you can never go wrong with, and they have Mr. Seebode, a faculty member. The right faculty member can often change a team’s outlook greatly, but Mr. Seebode is new and unproven. We have no way of knowing his athletic ability, and thus they do not rank higher on this list. If they can make it to the third round, they should be able to beat the Pringles.

18. Sinden’s Conquistadors

Yes, a middle school team is NOT the lowest spot. They seem to have to some talent, such as Harold Fullilove, a hard to hit target, and with younger brothers of upperclassmen, such as Kevin Colandrea and Quinn Boylan, they may have some insight into the tournament and what it takes to win it all. In addition, they have Mr. Sinden, a proven powerhouse with the power to take the team far. But will Mr. Sinden’s athleticism and history factoids be enough to carry the team through the late rounds of the tournament?

17. Jehovah’s Witnesses

This team. This team has Mr. McGowan. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he has ever participated in dodgeball before. I suspect they may try to gain the advantage by suspending the competition from school, but assuming they don’t this almost all freshman team will struggle.

16. Daddy Shark doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo

An interesting team. It seems the freshmen have recruited the one, the only, Migalan “Migatron” Jeevananda, and Allan. Oh, I uh mean Mr. Parsells. While Miggy and Mr. P could propel this team through several rounds, especially their first against another all freshman team, who knows if the freshmen can back them up. Fingers crossed the little brothers of OP lads on this team inherited their brothers’ skills.

15. Wrench And Hammer

Yet another relatively unknown freshman team. But there’s something about them that makes me thing they might show us how strong the freshman class can be. A big part of their perceived success in my mind is Mr. Barresi. But can Barresi repel the advances of upperclassmen and other strong faculty members?

14. The Lamps

This sophomore team, while nothing to scoff at, has a lot to prove. They have some varsity strength in Botond Rice, but will swimming skills translate to the dodge-court? And they may have a master strategist in Quiz Bowl champ Ryan Bergh-Thies, but do they have the might to apply Bergh-Thies’ mental machinations? This team very well may surprise, but in this cut-throat ranking, they’re stuck in the lower half.

13. Arnav 3.0

Ok, first of all, they have Tommy Conniff, who’s like 8’2” or something. He could be the most uncoordinated person on the court but I find it hard to believe an OP man that massive doesn’t have something up his sleeve. Overall, they’re relatively unknown but it seems to have shaped up as a power team for the freshman class. And who knows what the infamous Faris can do out on the court?

12. The Mangos

The Mangos are our first senior team. While their being seniors certainly gives them an edge, and they have some talent, along with Mr. Schulz, I’m not convinced of how much damage they can do. I mean, Jake Nowacki just became vegan, so will he be intaking enough protein on game day? Time to start going ham on those beans Jake… I may not be giving them a fair chance, but none of their members stick out to me as all stars. Unfortunately, they face a surprisingly common problem: they share Chris Uustal with Clappage, a violation.

11. Gaertner’s BBQ And Foot Massage

This is where the competition gets really tough. The top 50%. The cream of the crop. GBBQ has a centerpiece in Mr. Gaertner, and a reliable support network in some athletic sophomores. But they’re still young. Mr. Gaertner’s skills alone cannot replace experience, but maybe they’ll surprise us all. They also face a problem: they illegally share players with Squidnice, and seem to have been cut down to 8 players because of it. Extra points for a great name, though.

10. Squidnice

Squidnice looks pretty good overall, but as mentioned before, they share players with GBBQ. This is a violation of rules, and we’ll have to wait and see how Mr. Martin and the event organizers handle this. That aside, Squidnice has some athletic talent from the sophomore class, and should be able to hold their own fairly well. I predict Rob Van Volkenburgh going beastmode on some fools, and Boylan and Colandrea stomping their little brothers.

9. Shakespeare’s Lemonade Stand

Full disclosure: I am on the Lemonade Stand. SLS has a decent roster, with most members being on a varsity team of some kind. Even if it is bowling. They have some threats in Jack Coyne, who’s got a killer arm, and Rich Williams, just a naturally monstrous and strong human being. Not to mention, they’ve got the heart and the enthusiasm. Also, word on the street is that Cole Noss has been filling an automatic pitching machines with wrenches and going toe to toe with them, because if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.  On the other hand, SLS did not perform well last year, or the year before that when they were known as “Luigi.” This all junior team should do alright.

8. Integrity

A strong junior team. With Captain George Castro at the helm, how could they go wrong? They’ve got some varsity guys who will surely be going tryhard. But while they’ll probably take their first match, I predict Citation Nation taking them out in the second round.

7. The Dodgefathers

This is a solid team right here. Logan Drone’s gonna be firing missiles at their competition. Little Heff’s gone dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging again. They seem to have recruited some of the most athletic sophomores, and Mr. Crum will do some damage. WIth Mr. Crum and several of his engineering students on the team, so they’ll probably calculate the perfect path of trajectory of the balls or something math and science-y. While they don’t have any wild factors to get an edge up, they have talent well dispersed throughout the team. But will it be enough to win?

6. Chris Has A Bad Back

Chris Has A Bad Back seems to have some real all stars and a very strong roster overall. Ben Landis and James Kim’s baseball arms will probably be working overtime, no way anyone can hit Max Russo when he’s moving. (If you haven’t heard yet, the kid is fast.) But this is also Russo’s first dodgeball tournament: he’s untested. And “the Bad Backs” only have 10 players: 4 players short of the majority of teams. And I believe since they have above 7, the will not be supplemented or paired with the Average Joes. This can put them at a severe disadvantage. Even if they are supplemented, that could drag their team down rather than bringing them up. This leaves their status a little uncertain.  This other all junior team should also do well.

5. Clappage

A strong senior team that should do well. They don’t have any star dodgeballers that I know of, but they are a group of athletic guys, and their status as seniors should help. And Jack Anderson, their coach, is a crafty one. Unfortunately, they face a surprisingly common problem: they share Chris Uustal with the Mangos, a violation.

4. Pooh And Tigger

Pooh and Tigger may be short staffed by 1 player, but they don’t seem to need it. Peter Ainsworth, their singular junior, is already a force on the court, but the team’s strength comes from its 11 seniors. With some serious athletic talent in Fernando Aviles, Nick DeMarinis, some OP Puck representatives, and others, these guys are going to do well. But the crown jewel of their team seems to be Mr. Blauner. While most new teachers’ athletic prowess is unknown, as a gym teacher, Blauner surely has some ability. With his vast sneaker collection, Mr. Blauner’s shoes will surely match his team’s uniforms, winning them extra style points.

3. Citation Nation

This is a POWERFUL team right here. Like a certain White Goodman owned gym, they’re better than you, and they know it. Several of their members are asserting their dominance all over the school, bragging about the squad they’ve put together. They have Pat Jackson, senior hockey aficionado and future drill sergeant/ace air force pilot, and some solid sophomores including Jackson’s teammate Luke Mogen, of the legendary and infamous Mogen family, absolute unit if a 10th grader Lucas Pavlounis, and Italian club president Sam DeMarinis. Where they really shine though is with the faculty members they’ve enlisted. Mr. McCrystal is always a solid competitor in the tournament, and Mrs. Pasnik, a member of last year’s Girl Scout Dropouts, is a returning champion, and the only returning champion from last year. The only problem is this is the (count ‘em) 3rd team Doug Colandrea signed up for as a player. We’ll see if this is some sort of mix up and how they’ll solve it on game day.

2. 150 Dream Team

150 Dream Team returns. This team is a team of strong and athletic seniors. Many of their members are accomplished varsity athletes, and I know very few people in this school who’d like to square off with Andrea Fiorenza. These guys have a really solid chance, because, like the Dodgefathers, they have a very consistently skilled roster over all, but with one big advantage: experience. These guys have watched or participated in the Tournament™ for years. They’re also a returning team, so they’ve got the chemistry. Chris Kraemer’s ferocious yelling should also throw off the competition. These guys will be pretty strong, but I think one team edges them out…

1. Vars Footy

Vars Footy. They may not have an all senior team like 150, but they are all upperclassmen, and they’ve certainly got athleticism, skill, and consistency, not to mention perhaps the most chemistry of all teams, seeing as they’ve been playing soccer together since August, and that’s just for this season. Varsity athlete count is often used to scale these teams, and as the name it implies, all these guys are varsity soccer players. They are also the only OP varsity sport based team in the tournament this year, so they don’t have an equally stacked team who could beat them out. I bet these guys have even been scheduling extra “soccer” practices to coordinate their laser like dodgeball strikes. My money is on these guys to take the championship this year, but anything can happen.