Dodgeball Power Rankings 2019

The Oratory Prep Dodgeball Tournament Power Ranking, everyone’s favorite Omega article of the year. Finally, we are ready to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge once again next week. To quote my predecessor in power ranking, Jack Munro, “I would just like to remind everyone that this is purely opinion-based (although I think it’s accurate) and that you should feel free to make your own rankings if you disagree.” The tournament last year was crazy, and people have been chomping at the bit to toss some balls around once again. Remember: anything can happen in the tournament. Now let’s get into the rankings:

18. Team Word: I’ll be honest here. Team Word doesn’t have a shot. They’re the underdogs, and even their first match will be a fight for their lives. This all 7th grader team will have to work to beat their first-round matchup against juniors. 

17. Yes Red Ink: Yes Red Ink is an all underclassmen team who did not get a bye in the first round, but they are also up against the rather stacked Dragon Tales team first. That hurdle alone should sufficiently shut them down. 

16. Joe: This frosh team got the short end of the stick. As far as freshmen go, they’re pretty solid: Conor Maenpaa’s little brother Jack likely inherited his athletic ability, and they seem to have some absolute tanks on board. Unfortunately, their first match is against highly seeded senior team Copy and Paste, and I can’t see them overcoming. 

15. Blauntown: The sheer power of the Blauntown name might just carry these middle schoolers to victory, but unfortunately, being middle schoolers in a 7th-12th-grade tournament is not promising. I still remember my own days of being destroyed as a middle schooler in the tournament… Their first match is not necessarily the most threatening, but they will be underdogs in all of their games due to age. 

14. The Lads: While the Lads, an all junior team, will almost certainly beat Team Word, I think even they will have trouble against Shakespeare’s Lemonade Stand, a team that has historically done very well. It will certainly be a good match though. 

13. Popeye’s Biscuits: This team has a lot of talent, I’ll give ‘em that. In the future, these guys could dominate the tournament. And they should have no problem cleaning up the middle schoolers in their first game. However, their hypothetical matchups in the next round are rough. 

12. Connor Daugherty: This sophomore team is yet another team of talented individuals. They will be a team to watch in years to come. But their first-round matchup, Harvard Alumni, is a tough one. More on them later. 

11. Bruce’s Boyz: Bruce’s Boyz is actually a very competitive team. These juniors could do some serious damage. Unfortunately, they are victims of the bracket. I predict Dragon Tales whacking them in the first game. 

10. Fullsendbro: Fullsendbro is possibly the cream of the junior crop, sporting recently reinstated soccer star Nick Carnevale and his teammates Mark Feliu and Doug Colandrea, among other primo athletes. The one thing that stands in their way is their bout with the unnamed senior team colloquially referred to as “Madigan’s Team.” It is not unwinnable for them, but it’ll be tough. 

9. ZPP: ZPP is kinda stacked. Mr. Seebode and Mr. Gordon, science legends, bring the teacher punch, while future face of Oratory, Niles Villaverde, will certainly lead the charge. And if they can win their first game, they should win the second; the trouble is winning that first game against the Underdogs. 

8. The Soccer Moms: Soccer Moms may be a team of freshmen, but they have a decent shot against Beibs In The Trap. I don’t count on them winning it all this year, they could advance to a second game. 

7. The Underdogs: The Underdogs, a sophomore team consisting of all-stars like my son Aidan Murphy, swim stud Ryan Whyte, and professional Ukranian-American Markian Rybchuk, are the likely winners of the match against ZPP. However, it will be a contentious match. 

6. Harvard Alumni: Harvard Alums is full of some solid juniors, like the deadly duo of the Bergh-Thies twins and swimming champion Pat Herrighty. But what really makes the team is Director of Facilities himself, Mr. Crum. Team “Connor Daugherty” should be no problem for them, but it remains to be seen if they can muscle their way through the tourney. 

5. Beibs In The Trap: Beibs In The Trap looks solid, with registered Big Body and fitness club aficionado Alex Fudenna, son of an Oratory legend Jack Cuddihy, aka Kid Cuds, Matt “Big Tuna” Terraciano, and many more onboard. The Soccer Moms are no slouches for freshmen, and Beibs in the Trap has a hard bracket beyond their first game, but the team could pull off some big wins.

4. Dragon Tales: Dragon Tales is essentially the only big senior threat on the lower half of the bracket, and because of this, I predict they’ll be finalists. Their student roster alone is solid, but the powerhouse combo of cross country authoritarian Mr. McCrystal and econ guru Mr. Gaertner is sure to lead to some wild games.

Tied for first: Shakespeare’s Lemonade Stand, Copy and Paste, and Madigan’s Team: It may seem like a cop-out to have three teams tied for number one. And it may seem self-serving to have my own team among the top picks. But I really cannot decide which of these teams is going to win; whoever wins in Round 3 and the semifinals between these teams will surely take it all. And while the now infamous Shakespeare’s Lemonade Stand has historically been ranked rather low, past performances (last year’s semifinal “loss” against the seniors who would go on to win it all, ending in sudden death with a hotly debated call, for one) I feel confident in ranking even my own team this high. While Shakespeare’s has proved its mettle, several of its past members have jumped ship to Team Copy And Paste; a matchup between them could decide who was truly pulling the weight in years past. Or will a house divided fall? The untitled senior team, referred to by Mr. Martin as “Madigan’s Team,” is full of stellar athletes who, on paper, should win; the only question is, can they back that up on the court? The moral of the story is: some seniors are going home with the cup this year. See ya on the court, fellas.