Matthew DeAngelis is a Liar!

It has come to my attention that an egregious piece of slander has been published in the OP Omega by notorious prevaricator and scapegrace, Matthew DeAngelis. As to how a piece of such yellow journalism managed to get past the prestigious editors of the Final Letter, I will not here comment on (I suspect blackmail), but let this be a grim reminder that even the best newspapers are prone to fall.

Of course, this is not my first time being indicted for communism (a certain Migalan leveled thousands of charges against me), but to have such a reputable, respected, and renowned newspaper publish an accusation of this magnitude against me is admittedly jarring. But as for the accusations themselves, they are not only patently untrue, but also very poorly fabricated. Mr. DeAngelis starts off his libelous publication quoting me as saying, “I am going to overthrow the student council and make myself czar.” Of course, never has such an utterance proceeded forth from my mouth. While I do think that the student council has had a very disappointing first 60 days and that the current administration has broken many of its promises, I still respect the electoral process of Oratory Prep. But, pretending for a moment that I was a true commie and desired to overthrow the current government of the school, why on earth would I install myself as Czar? Does Mr. DeAngelis not recall that the Bolshevik Revolution overthrew the Czar? If I were a true Commie, I would expand the student council to include every member of Oratory, such that everyone would vote on every issue equally. By making such a sloppy accusation against me, Matt DeAngelis betrays the falsehood of his claims. 

As if this was not enough evidence, Mr. DeAngelis makes an even greater blunder in an accusation later in the article.  He claims that I said,” I, Brian Kelly, am a communist.” The uninitiated might think this to be a quite damning quote, but what it reveals is actually quite opposite that effect. Everyone knows that communists are liars. Therefore, if you believed that the truth value of Mr. DeAngelis’s quote of me is positive, then it must also at the same time be negative, since it is true that communists are liars.  It is therefore truth and a lie at the same time, akin to saying “I am telling a lie.” One, therefore, runs into a violation of the law of noncontradiction if they choose to believe that my saying “I, Brian Kelly, am a communist” means that I, Brian Kelly, am a communist. It is pure sophistry to say otherwise. Thus, it is utterly absurd to convict me on the basis of this quote. 

He makes several other blunders throughout the article, claiming Chatham to be a haven to communists (when everyone that has been there knows it is a fount of Capitalism), and saying that I dressed up as a singular fry, like an idiot (I dressed up as fries (plural). As any honest reader can see, Mr. DeAngelis’s accusations are baseless and absurd. Now that I have thoroughly debunked Mr. DeAngelis’s claims, I would like to explore his possible motives for writing such a libelous piece as he did.  The first possibility is that Matt DeAngelis is pure evil. Philosophers have yet to discover the origin of evil, making it very possible that Matt DeAngelis is himself the origin of evil. However, this is quite unlikely, as it is very clear that Mr. DeAngelis is a temporal creature who has not been around since the genesis of time, and that evil has existed prior to his birth. The second possibility (which I believe to be true), is that Matthew DeAngelis is secretly campaigning with president Richard Nixon to secure his reelection, and in order to cover up the Watergate Scandal, is trying to stir up another Red Scare. Preeminent among my evidence is a recent picture surfacing of Mr. DeAngelis in which he clearly can be seen wearing a” Nixon’s the One!” pin.

If this were not enough, I recently overheard Mr. DeAngelis on a phone call with Henry Kissenger, attempting to rebuild the cabinet that worked for Nixon in prior years, as well as cursing Walter Cronkite. 

It is one thing to commit libel against someone. It is quite another to utilize one’s status in the media to reelect the very man who the free press brought down. Shame on you Matt DeAngelis.